Creativity can be a delicate string

strawberry demons, aging as reward, and grandmother energy

This morning I took an early morning walk, inspired by my friend Lauren. On my visit yesterday, she told me that her new routine was taking a very early morning walk before work.

It’s been so hot out, I’ve not been moving around a lot. Summer in Baltimore is high 90s and 100 degrees with humidity heavy, tropical, thick, intense. I don’t hate it as much as I used to. But I find it hard to do certain things in.

She was right about the early morning being cooler though! And walking around that early morning light on the sunflowers at the community garden, and noticing things, I felt energized. A simple thing, but a choice I could push myself and feel better.

I’ve been thinking alot today about my visit with Lauren. Our discussion of memories of our grandmothers, how vivid they are still to me; and the creative collections of her house, definitely an amplified pop culture fairytale knick knack explosion! But still I have a feeling of grandmother. Strawberries for one are so important, I think, to us in Maryland.

Spending time in person is really magical. I’m shocked somehow by the fact that my friends actually are getting older. Lauren is ten years younger than me, next year she will be 50. Her change is wisdom she says is not about age as a number, but the fact of becoming a grandmother, to two children now, and loving them so. Wanting to continue in better habits because of them. Certainly you do want to be a role model. And how you treat yourself really is important. Also the grandmother journey is so lovely!

I wouldn’t know exactly. But I do know the sweetness and innocence and newness of my cats when they were kittens. How it made me think: the universe IS a good place! And I relate to that when Lauren tells about the sweetness and innocence and newness of her grandchildren. It’s something that feels so good to be around. And I feel you can get that newness in different ways. And there really is a special connection of elder to younger, thats unlike any link in the ages in between.

“For me, Aging is a gift” said Lauren. She feels her life is better than when she was younger, and with all the struggles she has gone through, she has earned this gift. I’m really proud of her to see all the good things in her aging process and the life she has fought for. (She has been open after all, about her mental health challenges; therapy and meds. And thats something many people love about her.)

She told me a lot about building positive routines, starting with just one routine which took a year to get, then putting on another. How she transformed herself in three years. Not that every routine sticks! Or stays. Or should. So not beating yourself up about it. But the process of trying to gain your own well-being better. It really was inspiring. We have had a lot of life experiences between us. House fires, deaths, suicide attempts, children raised up, zines, well all kinds of things. It really is a treasure to visit a friend. You think you have a friend, you know you like them, but you never see them. Maybe you should go visit them, and have that talk, to build connections into the future.

One thing that lingers today from our discussion yesterday, is our discussion on creativity. I said it’s amazing to discover, how delicate that process can actually be, that others can inhibit you or threaten that secure string, I thought I had to myself. I hadn’t really realized that for a while, most often feeling good about being creative no matter how “childish” it might look like to others.

“Yeah,” she said. “And another aspect of that, is how another person can nurture your creativity, inspire, spark or support you.” And told me a story about Angie sending her paint. And their discussions. I loved that!

We are all truly, a delicate, and strong, cobweb of relations.

It’s nice to be able to feel these fine strings so aptly. To be older to have these kind of long life conversations. It truly is a gift. I look forward to our date in the Fall, to drive around, doing some research for my next project—The Farm my mother grew up on. And talk about our grandmothers some more! (Who we both love. And visit their presence so vividly in our minds eye.)

I’m not sure this post is about writing and quilting in a very direct manner, but it also exactly is. It’s that fine delicate string, from inside yourself, your intuition, and all you love, and ability to safely play and explore in the world. Having a discussion with a friend can help. I feel Lauren is really flourishing. I wouldn’t say I am exactly flourishing. But my relationship to making things, the whole process, moving from inspiration to creation to sharing (as Agnes Verde put the creative process) —— is becoming more fluid as I force myself through these steps into the public eye, into being part of the world, by sharing what I make. And it’s been an incredible rewarding process, lately. Even though the book is not out. I’m thinking of my next project. And seeing life ahead for me, is going to be ok, if I can focus on what I love. And being who I am. And thats a good feeling. We deserve to own our good feelings, especially those of us whose feelings can be very unsteady and scary with their ups and downs. But securing our strings to each other, in these moments, and times of unsteadiness and destruction, means something.

Thank you Lauren. For sharing a memory of me, through your eyes, and what my total disregard for grammar, as a zinester, meant to you! It reminds me who I am, not the same anymore exactly. But I really am different in a lot of ways, and I am proud of who I am too.

This delicate relationship to ourself, strings we can feel, really has everything to do with writing; and quilting.

P.S. perhaps it proximity to an elder confidant in her creativity (within her own undisputed realm, a place not all would see, but a grandchild certainly would have the front row seat to that, and to being a treasure within that realm). that makes our grandmothers extra special. The things you live through and still survive, to blossom, again and again. We are lucky those of us who have experienced this. But obviously you don’t have to be a grandmother or have had a wonderful grandmother, to still get that grandmother energy in your life!! It's like sunflower pollen. Out there in the world, for all the bees. Yes the universe is beautiful we know when we see the young. But also when we see the elders.