"Miss China. Miss China" I open my eyes. "All your dreams are going to come true"

waking up from dental surgery

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

I’m particularly scared of the dentist. Some years back, I faced some dental issues i.e. went to the dentist, and had my impacted wisdom tooth pulled. And for the first time, as well, had a female dentist that I grew to trust. The gap from the wisdom tooth being removed at such an older age was bigger than they liked. It had on and off pain. (My dentist couldn’t see an issue so I was relieved, I guess there is no issue. Not wanting to do anything more.)

But this year I didn’t want to keep ignoring the pain. Plus the gap was growing bigger. So I faced it, with a lot of privilege of my parents support, and told the dentist exactly what I was feeling. Even though I couldn’t explain exactly where the pain was coming from. My trust with her had been earned. So now I mostly didn’t dissociate at the dentist. And I had learned how to keep talking, about what I feel, even though it’s not easy to explain it. To not blank out, avoid it, or accept first tries that don’t feel right. I understand now that dentists can’t just magically see everything or do everything. I will also have to participate with this process to get the care I needed. And I am able to do this with “Dr. Bee” (a pseudonym)

She then referred me to a second opinion, to see what was going on, the best root canal doctor IN THE WORLD. (The Root Cannel Surgeon’s office is truly a new utopia. Women led. Gentle. Positive. Happy even. Asking consent all of the time in ways I hadn’t even realized others don’t. Holding my hand for a moment too. I hadn’t realized how affective this is indeed to the patient. And her touch? Painless. I remember this from my last root canal there. Coming back all this time later, it’s wild to realize this paradise is really true, and not imagined. WHY CANT MORE OF THE WORLD BE LIKE THIS? Not everyone can be a queen though.

Then Dr. Bee referred me to someone she said was really good. He was in high demand and cared about his patients. I went in, a male…ok, but he doesn’t seem like those scary doctors of the past. But before I knew it, he made a joke that I felt was inappropriate. And I laughed along with him. On auto pilot. deferential and appealing to him as a mighty force, who I would be at their mercy, under the knife, in my mouth.

I kept from disosociating however. I asked if he could do something for me, although he was a surgeon: to get the dental floss stuck between my overly tight teeth that had happened at my first dental check up, weeks ago. Well first I asked, and chatted with happily, the first dental doctor to talk to me, a smart and younger woman. Chatting away. She said it’s ok to ask. When I asked the surgeon though, I was very deferential. And I giggled. Complimenting his importance. BUT I asked. And he was nice, and did it. Kept trying, actually. And I kept saying “No, thats not it.” And had him try again. Until he found the small string. But I said there was still something more. then I heard an irritation I had not heard from him before and felt the edge of his limits. He said he saw nothing there. (Later I would realize, I think a small part of my tooth just broke in that area. It’s so hard to figure out these feelings, what’s wrong, for me.)

I would remember the tone of his voice. How it changed. How it was different then Dr. Bee, when she sometimes looked and looked for me, and couldn’t find anything better to do. The knowledge I am out of the range of safety. She loves him. and he loves her. Dr. Bee is older, kinda funny and flakey and talkative and unique, but also really cares about dentistry and keeps updated. She also shares whatever she is doing with you, talking of music and her nephew who she loves so much, and her parent who she cares for. She is a very energetic and small petite woman. This is the joke I felt inappropriate. “Oh Dr. Bee! (The surgeon said fondly) Oh she is so tiny. She is like a toothpick. So energetic and so tiny. A toothpick!! You could break her in half. Isn’t she?!”

I smile. I laugh. and nod my head. Agreeing. I would agree to anything. To the first dentist person I saw, the smart younger woman, who he was including her in this conversation. Later I realize I was in cahoots with wrongness. I’ve heard others talk about this in much worst issues. But I do not appreciate a male talking about his female colleaque’s body in any capacity such as this!!! Dr. Bee is too old for this shit. And if she was young, well then, she would be too young for this shit! She is a highly skilled Doctor and the first dentist I could learn to be at ease with.

I realize Dr. Bee may like this guy. But I don’t know if I do. Maybe I shouldn’t get dental surgery. It’s too expensive. Or at least not such a good one, trying to put an implant in there, as I listened to Dr Bee’s reason why. I mean I’ve also worked on my guilt a lot about deserving any kind of such a thing, when I couldn’t provide it for my daughter as a single mother, I don’t think I deserve this. I’ve worked past the “deserving” feelings and the mother guilt feelings which are really really intense prob some of my worst guilt feelings I have. We all, need to go forward, getting the best health care we can. No things aren’t fair. But it’s important to start now and try to do better. So not like guilt, but just practical notions, maybe I am too old to try to save teeth. But maybe I am a great age to save teeth incase I live to be older, to do this stuff. I am very doctor phobic in general and lately I have backslide to decide I’m going to go back to being doctor phobic in some ways, besides basic check ups, which I have started. BUT, I don’t know. It’s a big deal. And society acts like this is normal, normal if you have money, to do. But-

Maybe I shouldn’t do this. Is my thought (although I am calm, have had a wonderful calm morning in preparation for this surgery, with my daughter helping me, driving me, and helping me prepare, and being awesome to me, really super daughter points today. And I know my daughter takes care of herself, and can put boundaries up against me, and doesn’t have to help me. But she is taking care of herself. And she is helping me. So this feels a remarkable, lucky, wonderful, privilege I have today, to her her to drive me and be my person to take me home since I will be being sedated, for them to extract, clean out the area, and put a bone fragment in for an implant (thats the part I can’t believe I really am going to do. My daughter is many teeth out and behind on this expensive surgery. Shouldn’t she be the one to go first? how can I ever do anything, if she doesn’t get what she needs, first? but that part, I’m setting aside, to think about for another day. I’m just getting the potential for a fake tooth today)

But maybe I shouldn’t do this. As he calls me by my legal name and I say nothing, not wanting to make a fuss right now. Calm. And the people come with wires, and needles, and a monitor, after I’ve heard another patient being called to wake up, over and over again. Until I thought maybe he died? And as they are coming at me, with a needle between my finger, and a tube into my nose, and my glasses are staying on (I guess) without explaining what they are doing. I am thinking: maybe I shouldn’t have done this. Just die, although tooth pain will be the worst pain, if things don’t work out, or just a cheaper tooth extraction without extra prep and measures.

And then its lights out.

-

“Miss China. Miss China”

I only hear my name called twice, as she pats me on my left shoulder, when I wake up.

“All your dreams are going to come true.”

there is no one else in the room now, except one female dental person.

-

Did you just say, “All your dreams are going to come true?” I ask her.

No she says.

Did you call my name a lot before I woke up? I asked.

Well kind of yes.

Lets get up, she says.

And I go into a wheel chair.

Am wheeled into a room with my gorgeous cute amazing talented good looking daughter there. (She is looking extra cute today in her lacey green shorts and pink sandals and pink hair, her hair always changes color she does it herself, she’s a hard working sous chef and days off she might be a little prettied up in different ways or not. basically, I’m a mom. So whenever I look at my daughter I see the most gorgeous person in the world. I try to remember this to be tolerant to my mom when she thinks i’m cute and I’m not like doing anything special. But my daughter is kinda extra summer outfit today. Its very nice.)

My daughter is listening, to help me. And the dental person tells me “I hate the dentist! Its worse than the GYN.”

and I’m like “OMG!!!!!!!! YES. Me too.

And I am back in safety, made it through, all seems to be good. Better than I thought it would be.

-

then my daughter tells the check out person how her chef won the best chef of baltimore yesterday, and her restaurant is so good. And how it’s hot working there and she’s just exhausted on her days off. It’s very hot in Baltimore.

“I just tell people that everywhere now”

“Isn’t it good to just talk to people? Like just tell them something, everywhere you go? I’ve learned that.” I say

“Oh yeah, it’s good to talk to people. she says.

We are happy.

We get in the car to go home.

She tells me about childhood memories and we talk about a time she went to a dentist and I hear more of the story, that I didn’t remember, and it puts a better spin on a dentist visit I remember as being hard, and my daughter surprising me with being such a trouper. Not a sad story. I was always amazed what a good little kid she was. We talk about being autistic. (A new-ish topic with us, full of learning break throughs) We talk about the final episode of THE BEAR. We talk about : how the heck do you get paying subscribers? (“I begged a lot. Then Cecile , she subscribed this morning, and wrote me a note, and I swear Clover, I cried! It was so wonderful. But I felt bad for begging.” “Oh yeah, you got to beg thats how you get money. But you can build your subscribers up for a while and not worry about it. And then think how to get money with it later.” ((That sounds good. I’ve been thinking about this and not knowing who to ask on this topic so I just ask everyone and think and google. Because I want to make money for writing too, as part of the whole Magazine Dream, to be a fed and nourished writer, but like in a cool sliding-scale sustainable modern way, where it all kinda works. But also lately I was thinking, for the first time, like shit. Maybe I’m not going to make money with this. But I still want to write. (the story of my life, but before I always just knew I wasn’t going to make money and wanted to write, hardcore write, for life, anyway.) Now the wanting to make money here is the new twist, I’m into it.

BUT ONE person did sign up. AND IT WAS EVERYTHING. AND I did cry. And feel hopeful. But even more, it was her note, what she wrote to me. That was so affirming. ITs the whole TRYING thing, thats working well, here. I get feedback when I ask for editing, that I am loving. And having a schedule to stick to is helping my own self esteem. And it’s just an interesting journey, here on substack, not yet really a month into it yet, for me, with taking it seriously. Because I’m kinda of a take things serious do something a lot try with all your heart, maybe kinda adhd autistic bipolar writer person. And it makes me happy to make my own plan and do it. Being doing this.

“I can see your happy. And I like that”, says my daughter. “its good to try new things”

SO YEAH, besides the big problems facing our earth home and world wide siblings right now, which are extreme, obviously I have to say that, but in the little scheme of things and dental surgery and my fear of it. well I did it. and its over. And maybe all my dreams did come true! Or I would like to think so. I know it can’t be that easy. its hard to believe, still, for me, with my bad dips, that good dips, are still just fleeting dips, and bad dips, also, don’t last forever even if they last for years and ongoing life patterns I can’t seem to break. BUT MAYBE, I can have that older age writer dream life I always hoped for. Maybe I can.

And a big part of why I feel like this, includes you, Cecile. You are the cherry on the ice cream sunday. I told y’all, just one more paying subscriber. It would mean a lot to me! I’m going out there, in this journey, I’m a camel. I can go and go. But just pop me a power pill, a video game point, an economic reality dopamine hit time to time. I can do this without making money. I’d like to make money. No matter the small start. I’d like to start. thats my magazine dream. I have a franchise I can learn more about. even if it was just a substack fever (looking at the numbers of what some other writers are earning) that didn’t turn out like that, I am sure I am going to learn about. And asking for help and figuring out some finances is part of it. Behind the scenes work I guess. I want to be able to give you/me all the free writing you can handle. However you access this or not, whatever parts you read or not. The thing is, I KNOW. I’m not writing in my diary, or a word doc, or a plan for another day. I’m doing it now. And I did worry “am I manic?” when I first started this whole plan in a furry of Jimmi Hendrix lyrics and writing goal desires. But I am still liking it, alot. And I think this learning journey is totally feasible. I’m gonna be on my own little writer reality show, right here, right now, for a bit. Not alone. Growing, and not alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

P.s. Another one of my daughter’s wisdoms. (She has so many.) But I mean, I’m lucky to hear myself in her reflection and that it’s a good reflection, not something I’ve done wrong, because I have heard some of those reflections too. But this is what she said:

“You're sensitive. Not more sensitive than other people though. But I think you just address it and say it, the good and bad things. And sometimes other people don’t like that because they want to block that out. But I think it’s good.”

I love praise. Don’t we all? But I’m gathering up the praise, because in a way, it is a whole new round of my writer life. Giving it a push again. Phase two. And generally I just do, personally, want to be happy with myself and define my own success. Here, now, while I’m living. A human. More than a writer.

But writing has been my everything. I’ve gone for it. And I’m going for it. I’m a long timer. It’s round two. Again. LOL. (maybe that kind of pep talk, starts every new day, and whenever you are ready for it. But really, I want to push through some writing here. So it may be a lot. But I’m a lot.)

What will China’s Electric Magazine Land look like in a year? I want to keep this up for a year. I want to write zines and books too, so at some point the 3x schedule is def gonna slow down. But for me right now, it’s therapeutic. Just write it alllll out. online. somewhere a little more spacious. yet contained. Growing in public.

THANK YOU MY 70 free subscribers, 6 paying subscribers. I will try to chill out about numbers and business and just be writing, then circle back to that end. But what should I do to celebrate my first 100 subscribers??

I’ll tell you my motivational, FUN, plan. I want to do something with color. I looked up ribbons and somehow found the horse race ribbons. So this is how the color code goes:

Horse Show Award Ribbon Colors
1st – Blue
2nd – Red
3rd – Yellow
4th – White
5th – Pink
6th – Green
7th – Purple
8th – Brown
9th – Grey
10th – Light Blue

For my first 100 followers I am going to do some video I think , feauturing LIGHT BlUE.

My longterm goal is to have a 1,000 subscribers because I read it’s all a struggle on substack until you have a 1,000 subscribers. And then things can really take off. (For instance, I know people hate China Math, but like , 1,000 subscribers x $1 is 1,000 dollars. OR because this magazine will always be mostly free, a choice : your-own, I-love-you-all, lets-each-do-it-to-our-own-capacity/proclivity-adventure- 1,000 subscribers = 100 paying subscribers, goal (Or maybe I will find out a less ratio is good, that was just my good fortune to start there. But it’s an idea. A place to look at in the horizon)

I will be getting a light blue ribbon of some kind. thats for sure. And it’s just fun to strive. to celebrate. to work messy in the kitchen.

and put out a special plate for you, at the front of the house. My very adored electric magazine reader, witness, perhaps, to the wild ride of it all, that I’m hoping for, and whatever side trips and unexpected journeys and new destinations.

We are out the gate and running! I’m 58 years old. this isn’t my first horse race after all. And I am the mighty snail, a good turtle, and a butterfly. Not born to suffer. I’m a writer.

(I have also been, once upon a time, a writer rat. and I got it done. I’m just tired of being so smelly!)

P.P.S.

How do we make revolution yes/and have good dental care as well as the many connected issues with our mouth and body health? I.E burn it all down w/ dental buildings functional standing and free healthcare/ access vastly improved upon. Kind of a rhetorical question but something I thought: alone in the dental chair listening to multiple attempts “Open your Eyes” “Good morning” “Hello Smit” “Smit” “Smit” “Time to Wake Up Smit” “Hello” “You did a good job Smit” on another patient to wake up by the surgeon and another female voice as well, both trying to get him to wake up, kindly, and patiently.

P.P.P.S.

The surgeon just called and left a message on my phone that he was calling to see how I am. And please feel free to call back with any questions. Maybe I am being overly hard on him. I have my own issues I process in such encounters, in a more intimate way as a writer. And also writing in the moment, has great possibilities of writing things I may not feel later or may get wrong. Still I feel it’s good to post, so uncensored, time to time, right now. So I’m going to finish up this essay and post. Sorry for any issues in it. Feel free always to write me and I will take responsibility for my actions, I am open to hearing others and addressing issues to the best of my ability.